Princess Derpy
by Unicadia
Summary: Derpy Hooves declares herself Princess of Pony Land. This won't end well . . .


**Hello, everypony!**

 **Here is my first MLP fanfic on this site! Please let me know what you think!**

* * *

"Hey, there goes Derpy again on another one of her mysterious trips," Spike muttered. Twilight Sparkle, his alicorn companion, frowned as she watched the gray pegasus flying toward the edge of Ponyville. She got up from her table at the café and galloped after her, Spike in close pursuit.

"Derpy Hooves! Where are you going now?" Twilight Sparkle called. The pegasus turned and hovered in the air a few inches above her. The usually cheerful loopy eyes now glared down at Twilight.

"Why do you want to know? This is my own personal business. Can't a pony go someplace without everypony nagging on her and wanting to know every single little detail of her life?" Her voice rose, approaching a shriek. "It's like you're now the border patrol or something! Hey everypony! It's Twilight Sparkle, the what's-everypony-doing-here police-pony! Better report everything or she'll blast you with her alicorn magic!"

"Okay, Derpy," Twilight cut in before could Derpy continue. "I'm sorry. It's just that you've been leaving Ponyville a lot recently, and I'm just curious where you go each time." She flashed Derpy a winning smile, but Derpy was not impressed.

"You're constantly going places without telling anypony! Just because you're the main pony in this cartoon show doesn't mean you get to boss me around. I'm outa here!" Derpy shot up into the sky and disappeared behind a cloud.

"All right, your highness!" Spike shouted after her as he trotted up next to Twilight. In a normal voice, he said, "Gosh, she sure is grumpy."

Twilight frowned. "I know. It's very strange. I hope she doesn't get into any trouble. Equestria is a big land with many dangers."

Derpy Hooves had no intention of remaining in the big land of Equestria, though. She kept flying until she reached the Rainbow, which spanned the southern border of Equestria. She flew over it and kept going, Spike's words buzzing in her head. _"Your highness."_ Hm. She passed over Paradise Estate and Dream Valley and Grundleland until she came to a little place unimaginatively called Pony Land. She shot into a town and crash-landed into the ice cream parlor.

"Derpy Hooves!" cried all the ponies there.

"Long time no see," said the pink pony behind the counter.

"Yeah, I know." Derpy settled into a seat beside some other ponies.

"What will it be, Derpy?" asked the pink pony. "Cheesecake?"

"Derp it!"

The pink pony, name of Starlight, scooped a cone of her famous cheesecake ice cream. "It's on the house, Derpy."

"Aw, shucks." Derpy flapped her wings in happiness.

"Oh, Derpy," sighed Sweetheart, a white and pink pony, "where did you get your wings? I would love to able to fly."

Derpy waved her front legs erratically. "In Equestria, EVERYPONY has wings!"

All the ponies gasped and squealed with delight.

"You once said there are also unicorns where you come from," said Patch, a peach-colored pony with bangs. "I can't imagine. Couldn't some of your other friends come down and visit us, Derpy?"

Derpy made a face. "Naw, it wouldn't be as fun. You have no idea what I go through up there, being a background pony. If the others came down here, they would take over your entire world and make you all believe in the Magic of Friendship! No, it's better this way."

"Magic," repeated Starlight with a wistful smile.

"Where's Butterfly?" asked Derpy as she sucked on her cone.

"She's at her house," said a purple pony coming up to the counter with a sundae. She tripped on the base of a stool, and the sundae dropped to the floor, spattering ice cream everywhere. "Oh, brother, not again . . ."

"Don't worry, Clover. We'll have to catch up." Derpy burped. "Then we'll mess with Lancer."

"Actually, something happened while you were gone, Derpy," said a blue pony, Melody.

"Did you win Battle of the Bands again? Or did you star as the princess in the school play and get so self-centered and vain that all the other ponies had to teach you a humiliating lesson?"

Melody glared. "No."

"That was really great, though," laughed Patch.

"New ponies at school," interjected Starlight, rolling her eyes. "But they're really weird. You'll have to see them tomorrow. After school, they always disappear."

Derpy finished off her cone without comment. She didn't care much about new ponies. She and Butterfly, her best friend, always had fun tormenting Lancer, the only colt of the richest family in Pony Land. Besides, she wanted to talk to Butterfly about her idea. She bounced out of the ice cream parlor and headed to Butterfly's house at the far end of town.

* * *

The next day, Derpy walked to the schoolhouse with Butterfly, giggling the whole way. "This is going to be great!" Butterfly whispered. They sat down in their places at the front of the room as they waited for the rest of the class to show up.

"Nice to see you again, Miss Hooves," Miss Hackney, the elderly teacher, greeted Derpy.

One by one, the ponies entered the building: Starlight, Melody, Bright Eyes, Sweetheart, Teddy, Clover, Ace, Bon Bon, and Patch. Lancer limped in last. Derpy giggled again, but then another pony came in.

Fire designs surrounded his gold eyes. His cutie mark, a flaming dragon, extended down his leg, and his hooves were feathered. Derpy couldn't remember seeing anypony with feathering here in Pony Land. Even in Equestria it was rare. The new pony glared around the room. Derpy stared at him in awe. Miss Hackney laughed nervously. "Uh, Moonfire, this is Derpy Hooves. She comes here once in a while. Derpy, this is Moonfire." Moonfire turned his gold eyes on Derpy. Derpy burbled. Moonfire raised his eyebrows, then walked silently to the back of the room.

Four other strange ponies filed in, two mares and two stallions. One of the stallions' mane was so long it hid his face entirely. A heavy necklace set with a large blue stone hung from his neck. Miss Hackney cleared her throat. "Derpy, this is Liliette, Sartri, Dream Flower, and Crystals & Beyond. Liliette, Sartri, Dream Flower, Crystals & Beyond, this is Derpy Hooves."

The new ponies glanced at Derpy, then made their way to the back of the room with Moonfire.

Butterfly leaned close to Derpy. "Aren't they weird? Total losers. Though Teddy has a crush on Liliette."

Derpy turned in her seat to examine the new-comers. Liliette, a white pony with a strange, cream-colored dusting over her coat and a short white mane, looked like a nice pony. Sartri, a black-and-white-speckled pony with blue hair, sat next to her. They both wore delicate chains on which hung blue stones. Dream Flower was a pale pink pony with luxurious white mane and a look which reminded Derpy of Rarity. The pony with his mane covering his face and the heavy necklace was Crystals & Beyond. Derpy wondered if he would be opposed to a haircut.

Class ended when the cuckoo in the clock above Miss Hackney's desk popped out of its house. The ponies jumped to their hooves and galloped for the back door, which opened onto a slide. They tumbled down it and headed for the Ice Cream Shop.

Derpy stopped short, though, when she saw the new ponies hurrying away in the opposite direction. She grabbed Butterfly as she ran past. "Hey, Butterfly," she whispered.

"What?" Butterfly tapped her hooves, glancing over at the rest of the class.

"Let's see where they go." Derpy pointed.

Butterfly sighed. "Fine, Derpy. But then let's get over to the Ice Cream Shoppe and discuss our plan."

The two ponies followed the new-comers at a distance. "Hm, why are they going to the forest?" said Derpy in a loud voice.

Liliette stopped and looked behind her. Sartri came up to her. "Did you hear something, sis?"

"Yes . . ." She shook her head. "Probably nothing." They turned, and continued on, off the road and into the forest.

Derpy made to follow, but Butterfly stuck her hoof out in front Derpy. "Derpy!" she hissed. "I thought we were stalking them. Keep it down!"

"Oh, right." Derpy burbled, then stepped over Butterfly's hoof and crept into the forest, Butterfly trailing behind her.

After a while, Butterfly stopped. Dirt covered her hooves and a twig stuck out from her mane. "Derpy, they're gone. Can we please go back?"

"Okay." Derpy sighed, and trudged after Butterfly. Sometime, she would find out where those ponies went every day.

* * *

The next day found Derpy Hooves and Butterfly making a special announcement before class. Miss Hackney, in her defense, had allowed them to do this thinking that they had a science project they wanted to show the class. Derpy never completed a science project in her life. She stood on Miss Hackney's desk and bellowed, "I am the Princess of Pony Land now! All who wish to join me may come to the clock tower today at five sharp. By appointment only, contact Butterfly." She indicated Butterfly with a graceful sweep of her hoof, attempted a not-so-graceful bow, and jumped off the desk.

"Uh, thank you Derpy and Butterfly, for that, um, announcement," Miss Hackney began, but Teddy leaped up, waving his hoof.

"I object!" he shouted. "Liliette should be princess!"

"Leave me out of this!" said Liliette.

"Then Sweetheart! Sweetheart should be Princess of Pony Land!"

"Aw, thanks Teddy," said Sweetheart, looking up at Teddy adoringly. She had been the object of his affections before Liliette came.

"What?!" Melody shrieked. She ran to the front of the room. "If Derpy and Sweetheart think they can be princesses, then I am the most eligible pony to be crowned!" She flipped her glossy pink mane, and Ace snapped a picture of her. Apparently she hadn't learned much from that humiliating lesson.

"Class, class!" cried Miss Hackney. "Settle down!" She paused, a thoughtful look on her face. "Actually, this might be good lesson on politics. We will have three candidates for class president. Everypony will vote for their favorite candidate, and the pony with the most votes wins the election and the title of class president!"

All the ponies cheered, except the weird ponies in the back, and Derpy, who clambered back onto Miss Hackney's desk. "No voting! This isn't a democracy! We're My Little Ponies! We have princesses, not presidents! And besides, I already made myself Princess of Pony Land. So what I say goes. And I say, no more class for the rest of forever!"

This speech earned Derpy an enormous whoop (not from the new ponies in the back), and they all jumped up and tumbled out the back door, leaving Miss Hackney staring after them in shock.

At five o'clock, a small group of ponies gathered outside the old stone clock tower, awaiting Princess Derpy. She came out, a yellow construction paper crown hanging on one of her ears. "All right, poonies! Step right up and receive your orders!"

Bright Eyes was first.

"Bright Eyes, the egg-head . . ." Derpy muttered.

"I'm not an egg-head!"

"You get to be Official Princess Bookkeeper."

Bright Eyes brightened. "Yay!"

Clover stepped up. Derpy groaned.

"Clover, you're too – too –"

"Too what?"

"Clumsy. You can be the Official Princess Entertainer."

"Oooh! Do I get to dance ballet for you?"

Derpy shrugged, impatient. "I don't know. Next!"

Last in line was Patch.

"You can be the Official Princess Guard!" cried Derpy.

Patch did a hoof-pump. "Yesss."

Derpy scanned the group. "Where's Bon Bon? We need somepony to bake for us. And Starlight? What about Starlight? And Teddy and Ace?"

"Bon Bon and Ace are with Melody," said Bright Eyes. "Teddy's supporting Sweetheart, and Starlight said she doesn't want to get involved."

"Typical Starlight," Derpy grumbled. "Well, we'll just have to make do. Butterfly, bring out the hostage."

Butterfly saluted and disappeared inside the tower. A minute later, she reemerged, dragging a bound and gagged Lancer behind her.

"Great," said Bright Eyes. "What do we do with him?"

Derpy rubbed her hooves together. "We will use him to get the other boys onto our side."

"I don't think that's going to work," said Patch.

"Doesn't hurt to try," said Derpy.

* * *

After the assigning, Derpy went out with Butterfly to scout out the competition. They had almost reached Melody's house, when they stopped short on the opposite side of the street. Teddy, bearing a large bag overstuffed with papers, and Sweetheart, trailing behind him, walked down the street, taping posters to every inch of wall in sight. Derpy ran over and took one of the posters down. It bore a crayoned picture which might have been Sweetheart on a very bad day and the words "Vote for Sweatheart" above it. Butterfly came up behind Derpy and looked at the poster. She laughed as Teddy approached them.

"This says 'Sweatheart,' Teddy, not 'Sweetheart.' Boy, are you dumb."

"Shut up!" he growled, ripping the poster from Derpy's hoof. Sweetheart trembled behind him.

"And Derpy's already announced she's Princess of Pony Land," Butterfly pointed out. "You can't vote for anypony."

"Who cares about Derpy!" Teddy shot Derpy a glare. "Miss Hackney says the only fair way for ponies to become princesses is for there to be a vote." He shoved a fresh poster in Butterfly's face. "So vote for Sweetheart!"

"Or Sweatheart!" Butterfly crowed.

Sweetheart did not look like she was taking this very well.

"I _am_ the Princess of Pony Land," said Derpy. "Give up, or you'll end up like Lancer."

Teddy leaped in front of Sweetheart. "Don't listen to them! I'll protect you!"

"Not Sweetheart," said Derpy, a malicious grin creeping over her face. "You!"

Teddy paled. "What did you do to Lancer?"

"He's our hostage!"

Teddy's eyes widened, but then he resumed his glare, his courage back. "You don't scare me, Derpy! Sweetheart will overthrow you, you'll see!"

"Actually, Teddy-" Sweetheart began, but Teddy interrupted her.

"C'mon, Sweetheart!" He pushed past Derpy and Butterfly. Sweetheart followed, a sheepish look on her face.

"Sorry," she whispered as she slipped by.

Butterfly shook her head as she watched them walk down the street. "As far as I know, Teddy is Sweetheart's only supporter. Let's see what Melody and the others are up to." Derpy took one of the posters and put it in her bag before they went on their way.

They walked the rest of the way to Melody's house. Butterfly hoisted Derpy up over the fence, before Derpy remembered she could fly. Then she flew up to the second-story window she knew was Melody's room and peered in.

Melody sat on her bed playing her guitar while Ace lay on the floor gazing up at her with adoring eyes. Bon Bon sat in a corner eating cupcakes. Derpy wanted to throw up. She flew back down to Butterfly.

"Well?" asked Butterfly.

"No biggie. Melody sings songs and Ace googles at her while Bon Bon eats." Derpy put her hoof to her mouth as she thought. "We should get those weird ponies onto our side."

Butterfly liked that. "Great! What will we use them for?"

"We'll get a carriage, and then they can pull the carriage."

"And then we can travel through Pony Land and gloat!"

Derpy had other ideas, though. "We need a carriage to get all of us into Equestria so I can conquer that, too!"

Butterfly blinked. "Equestria? Doesn't that already have a princess?"

"Four princesses," Derpy grumbled. "Even Twilight Sparkle is a princess. Why can't I be a princess, too?" She brightened. "Or better yet, the ONLY princess!"

"How do we do that?" asked Butterfly. "Equestria's a much more powerful place than Pony Land. We're just school ponies."

Derpy laughed. "You forget, I have wings! Now, let's go get a carriage!"

Clover found an abandoned carriage in the junk yard, and Derpy set her, Bright Eyes, and Patch to repairing it while she and Butterfly went to get Liliette and the others.

They found their unsuspecting victims at the Ice Cream Shop, along with Starlight. Butterfly raised an imaginary machine gun at the startled ponies. "Put 'em up!"

"Butterfly, gently," Derpy chastened her. Then, "Join us or die!"

They just stared at her.

"What are you doing?" asked Sartri.

"Oh, they're all trying to become Princess of Pony Land," said Liliette. "And now they want us to support Derpy Hooves." Derpy wondered if only Liliette and her brother could speak.

"Oh, great," said Sartri.

Butterfly groaned. "Come on! We don't have all day!"

"No," said Moonfire, for the first time.

"All right, looks like they want to do this the hard way," cackled Derpy Hooves. She pulled out an oversized stun gun from her bag and shot each of the ponies. By the time she got to Crystals & Beyond, though, she no longer held the element of surprise, and he bolted out of the parlor.

Starlight gasped in horror. "Derpy! What did you do to them?"

"I just stunned them." Derpy put the gun away and grabbed Moonfire's tail. "Now, let's take them away, Butterfly!"

It took a couple hours, but finally they managed to bring all four of their victims to the clock tower. They harnessed the unconscious ponies to the repaired carriage and loaded a chest full of supplies onto the back of it. After a moment of consideration, Derpy stuffed Lancer into the chest as well. Then she placed a huge wrought-iron crown with three brilliant jewels set in it on her head.

"Announcement!" she shouted into a megaphone. "You will all be given new assignments as we will be heading to Equestria to kick out those stuck-up alicorn princesses!"

"Awesome!" said Patch.

"Can I be the Official Princess Stenographer?" asked Bright Eyes.

"What's an alicorn?" said Clover.

"SILENCE!" Derpy bellowed. "Now. Butterfly, please."

Butterfly looked at the paper Derpy had handed her. "Um, Derpy is the Princess of Everything, Butterfly is the charioteer, Bright Eyes is the map pony, Patch is the lookout, and Clover is the passenger."

Everypony looked pleased with the reassigning, except for Clover, but Derpy wielded the megaphone again. "THANK you, Butterfly! Now, everypony get in the carriage!"

As they piled in, Derpy noticed Bon Bon, who looked a little ill ( _Prob'ly from all those cupcakes,_ Derpy thought), wandering over to them. Derpy yelled, "Patch! Intruder!"

Patch leaped out of the carriage, bouncing up and down. "Where? Where?"

Derpy thrust the megaphone at a startled Bon Bon. "There!"

Path stopped. "That's just Bon Bon."

"Yes! And she's allied with Melody, our rival and enemy! Seize her!"

Patch hesitated, then jumped onto Bon Bon, who shrieked and tried to escape, but Derpy threw Patch a length of rope which she wound around Bon Bon's front legs. "Now what?" Patch asked.

"Tie her onto the chest. There's no room in the carriage."

All the ponies looked a little doubtful at this, but Patch obeyed Derpy. "Sorry, Bon Bon," she said as she tied the ends of the rope down.

Bon Bon shrugged. "It's okay."

That's when the harnessed ponies woke up.

"What's going on?" said Liliette, blinking as she struggled to stand up.

"We've been captured!" Moonfire yelled. "I told you all this would happen!"

"Listen up," Derpy said, jumping in front of the bewildered ponies. "All you gotta do is pull this carriage to Equestria and then serve me for the rest of your lives. Easy-peasy."

"Let us go!" cried Sartri, as if he hadn't heard her.

"Come, darling!" Dream Flower added. "I'm not meant to be a carriage-horse."

Derpy ignored them and flew into the carriage. She waited until the others all got in. She looked at Butterfly, who held a long whip. "Ready?" she asked.

Butterfly grinned. "Ready!" She flourished the whip over the ponies. The ponies only flinched, but Sartri jumped when the whip touched him, and bolted, dragging the others behind him. The carriage tumbled away from the clock tower and clattered into town at breakneck speed. Derpy's huge crown slipped a little over her face. As they careened down the road, shredding pavement, crashing through signs and stands, and leaving general destruction behind them, a strange, wavering sound followed them. Derpy peered out the window, but she couldn't see anything because of the speed. Turning to Butterfly, she screamed above the rushing wind, "What's that noise?!"

"I think it's Bon Bon!" Butterfly screamed back.

Through and out of town they went, ripping through the countryside. Derpy briefly saw Dream Castle rising above its moat on a hill; Paradise Estate, with several of its inhabitants staring at them as they passed; the Rainbow, far overhead, shimmering in the sunlight; and then the little cobblestoned road leading to Ponyville.

"Turn right!" Derpy screeched at Butterfly as they approached a fork in the road. "Right for Canterlot where Celestia lives!"

Butterfly yanked on the reins, dragging her victims into the road. Sartri crashed into Dream Flower, who collided with Moonfire, and they all tumbled into a heap. The carriage kept going, however, and bounced over the ponies, narrowly missing Liliette's head. For a moment, Derpy and her friends sailed through the air, manes flying, their breaths caught in their throats. And then the carriage crashed back to earth, did a somersault, skidded onto its side, and lay still, the wheels still spinning frantically.

Groaning, the ponies untangled themselves from the wreckage. Derpy realized the strange sound that had been following them still penetrated the air, though all the other noises had stopped. Looking around, she saw it was Bon Bon, still tied to the chest, though the chest was now tossed some yards away from them, screaming at the top of her register.

"Bon Bon, be quiet!" Butterfly snapped from under the carriage.

Bon Bon did not stop. Sartri, who lay close to her, wobbled to his hooves, reached out, and slapped Bon Bon. She stopped.

Spitting grass from her mouth, Liliette sat up and glared at Derpy and her compatriots. "Thanks a lot, Derpy Hooves! Now we're stuck out here in who knows where, bashed up and tangled in your stupid stuff!"

"Derpy, what are you doing?" came a vaguely familiar voice.

Derpy ignored Liliette and looked around. Twilight Sparkle stood a little ways away, a confused look on her face. Derpy mimicked her look. "What are you doing here, Derpy?" She shook her head. "Just, what are you _doing_?"

"Well, what are you doing?" Derpy countered, a little irritated.

Twilight frowned. "I'm just taking a walk. I wanted to see the southern border of Equestria, since we don't go down here much."

"Cool." Derpy turned her back to Twilight and began examining the wreckage of the carriage. Bright Eyes, clambering out, saw Twilight and fainted.

"Derpy, you haven't told me what you're doing!" said Twilight. My, she sounded angry.

Derpy faced her and tried to appear prim. "I'm trying to get Butterfly out. Obviously."

"I'm okay!" Clover gasped from somewhere under the carriage.

Derpy knelt down and pulled Butterfly out.

"But the carriage! All these ponies!" cried Twilight.

"You're the All-Knowing Princess, you figure it out!" Derpy snapped.

Twilght Sparkle sighed. She looked over at the ponies harnessed to what remained of the carriage. Moonfire glared at her. Twilight frowned. Using her magic, she undid the tangled harness and righted the carriage, though it was beyond repair now. Then she severed the ropes that held Bon Bon. Bon Bon scrambled to her hooves, then stared at Twilight in awe. Twilight gave her an uneasy smile. Turning on Derpy, she said, "Derpy, I'm sending all these ponies back to where they came from, and then I'm taking you to Princess Celestia. You have a lot of explaining to do."

With a flash of purple light, Butterfly, Bright Eyes, Clover, Bon Bon, Patch, the carriage, and the chest (with Lancer still in it) disappeared.

"Aw, man," grumbled Derpy.

Twilight blinked at Liliette and the others. "Why didn't you go too?"

Liliette sighed. "We're not from Pony Land. We're from a place called Everfree. We have our own magic."

Twilight brightened. "You mean like the Everfree Forest?"

Sartri shook his head. "No, it's another world. We came here on a mission. It hasn't been going very well." He made a pointed look at Derpy Hooves, who was apparently absorbed in a particularly fascinating blade of grass.

"Oh, wow!" Twilight cried, jumping up and down.

"Great," Derpy mumbled. She knew how Twilight could be around new and strange magic.

The Everfreean ponies seemed to sense it, too. "Actually, we have to be going, darlings," Dream Flower put in smoothly.

Twlight's face fell. "Can't you stay a little bit? I would love to write a research paper about you all!"

"Yeah, we have to go . . . check up on Crystals & Beyond," said Liliette.

A flash of white light, and they disappeared as well.

A long silence followed.

Derpy puffed out her cheeks.

Twilight faced her. "Now, Derpy, where did you get that crown –"

"I just remembered I left my muffins on!" Derpy shrieked, and disappeared into the clouds.

Twilight watched her go, and groaned. "Why couldn't I have been a background pony?"

* * *

 **Okay, so this story is based off of the crazy games my sisters and I used to play, where Derpy Hooves had access to all sorts of different worlds by way of the Rainbow (did anyone catch my Middle Earth reference?). It was way more complicated than this, and I honestly don't even remember it all.**

 **As for the Everfreean ponies, my sisters and I made up the world of Everfree before we watched FiM and heard of the Everfree Forest, so I can confidently say that we did not steal the name. I may write more stories with the Everfreean ponies; we came up with a lot of things for their world.**

 **I hope you enjoyed my little story!**

 **Much love,**

 **Unicadia**


End file.
